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By Diane Marshall
Family therapy centres such as Toronto's Institute of Family Living get many referrals of children and adolescents from clergy, doctors, schools, social workers, and parents. My colleague, Cheryl Noble, a clinical psychologist specializing in children and youth, describes her work with youth as follows. .
"The current emphasis on 'the best interest of the child' greatly influences how I work with young clients. My approach to children and youth can be described as collaborative and problem solving. Everyone has problems in life. However, like some adults, many young persons define their whole existence by their 'problem.' They may describe themselves with a label such as ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) sad, learning disabled, nervous, or even a kid from a broken family."
For example, a 15 year old was referred for therapy for depression and underachievment in school. He told Cheryl, "There's no use talking to my school or my parents. What can they do? I'm ADD and nobody is going to do anything anyway." This young person was defining himself by a diagnosis that, for him, became his identity.
He neglected to say, however, that he wrote songs, or that he could play any musical instrument that he picked up, and his mother added that he could be very persuasive in his dealings with people. Cheryl worked together with him to re-frame his life story. By expanding on areas of his life that were already successful, he was eventually able to see that he was much more than just AADD" or "broken." Teachers may see a young person as capable of achieving well, but his or her performance doesn't measure up. No two children learn identically. Some need the curriculum adapted to meet their needs, while others need the expectations (their own, or the adults in their lives) adjusted to be more realistic.
Sometimes young people don't see themselves as having a problem. They claim that their parents and school are the ones with the problem. When Cheryl asked an 8 year old why her parents brought her in to talk, she stated, "There's nothing wrong with me. Everybody keeps bugging me." The task, as this child saw it, was how to get everybody off her back. So together they explored actions she could take that might lead to this result.
Parents and teachers, youth leaders and coaches are invaluable resources in helping a child acquire the skills he or she needs for long term adaptation to life, as opposed to short term band aid solutions. Often, a problem solving approach with young people requires teaching coping strategies for dealing with similar issues that may arise in the future. While sometimes individual work is indicated, often a young person's environment may need restructuring so that the problem does not perpetuate itself. For example, if a child is described as being "explosive" during transitional times, the environment can be restructured so as to offset potential explosive behavior. (Reference: Cheryl Noble: IFL Reflections, Spring 1999)
Children, Family and Stress
Children do indeed experience stress and stress-related illnesses and emotional melt-downs. Because not everyone is created with the same hard wiring in the brain, some children feel overwhelmed more easily than do others. Here, accommodation may be the answer. One child may need more sleep than another, or may need to eat small frequent meals rather than the traditional three square meals a day, or may need to receive instructions one at a time. These are all small, achievable changes in the child's environment that can reduce stress for the entire family.
Sometimes what we see as an abnormal behavioral or emotional expression is a child or youth's most adaptive way to deal with an abnormal situation. Treating the child as if they were a label and nothing more, is counter?productive. As Dr. Cheryl Noble says, "the good of the child -- of any age B requires a more integrative approach of working with the family, and the relationships of the child or youth to his/her siblings, parents, grandparents, friends, and to the school system. Thus, children and youth's behaviour needs to be seen in context of the whole system in which they are involved: family, school, friendship networks, extra-curricular activities, and church.
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The role of the faith community during times of profound stress in a child's life can be one where unconditional love and acceptance, however challenging that may be, can play a healing and restorative role in a child's life.
Positive Parenting
There have been many how-to books written about parenting. Some stress the authority of the parent; others stress the needs of children. One author who has sought to find a balance between these sometimes competing demands is Barbara Coloroso. In her 1994 book Kids are Worth It! she discusses what she sees as six critical life messages inherent in good parenting:
I trust you
I believe in you
I know you can handle this
You are listened to
You are cared for
You are very important to me
The importance of emotional attachment and of social integration are acknowledged in these six life messages. The relationship of the child to him/herself and thus the need for learning autonomy, and the relationship of the child to another and thus the need for love, trust, and belonging are foundational to emotional and inter-personal health. For optimal development, children require bonds of attachment with a warm and caring parent figure, a clear and consistent structure, timely comforting in a responsive environment, and the stimulation of language and cognition.
We now know that children have multiple intelligences and the work of Dr. Howard Gardiner at Harvard University's Graduate School of Education shows that all these various ways of relating to, and exploring the world, need to be nurtured and encouraged. Whether they be Asmart in the area of words, numbers, pictures, music, body, other people or themselves, nature, children have different gifts, and it is the responsibility of the adults in their lives to call forth these gifts. Thomas Armstrong elaborates on the work of Gardiner, and helps parents, teachers, child care and youth workers explore the multiple intelligences of the children with whom they are involved. For example, he encourages adults to develop a list of simple activities that involve the different intelligences: e.g., make up a story (word smart), do a math problem (number smart), draw a horse (picture smart), sing a song (music smart), do a cartwheel (body smart), tell a friend something you really like about him/her (people smart), share something you really like about yourself (self smart), find a bird outside and watch where it flies (nature smart). (In Their Own Way; Thomas Armstrong, p. 227)
Jesus paid a great deal of attention to children, and the Gospels are full of instances of Jesus relating to children, or using them as role models. In the Gospel of Luke, for example, there are several instances of Jesus healing children of parents who sought him out for help (the widow's son at Nain, Luke 7:11-17; the daughter of Jairus, Luke 8:40-56; a man's epileptic son, Luke 9:37-43) and he uses a child to illustrate the reign of God to his disciples who were jostling for preferential position:
An argument arose among them as to which one of them was the greatest. But Jesus, aware of their inner thoughts, took a little child and put it by his side, and said to them, AWhoever welcomes this chid in my name welcomes me, and whoever welcomes me welcomes the one who sent me; for the least among all of you is the greatest. (Luke 9:46)
Raising children is a community task, and requires the resources of parents, grandparents, godparents, aunts and uncles, teachers, youth workers, coaches, and neighbours! Occasionally, counsellors and therapists are needed to help for a time, also. But we are all called to welcome the child and practice generous hospitality to the children and youth who cross our path.
December 6/2007
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