Falling in love with Jesus

Tanya Dutton

I never liked myself. I was jealous, insecure and angry. At the age of 24, I had been abusing drugs and alcohol for almost half my life. I felt I could justify my violent, obsessive, and paranoid behavior because I had been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. Filled with the guilt and shame that surrounded my addictions and mental illness, I believed I was destined to live a life of pain and hatred.

In and out of jail, I finally found myself living in an abandoned house, injecting drugs and waiting to die. I was sick, cold, and desperate. I thought my life would end this way. I believed that I was simply insane and that nothing could save me.

My cousin Jenn, introduced me to Desert Stream Christian Fellowship. I was hopeless and fearful, while she seemed to overflow with faith and love. I was desperate for a new way of life and I was willing to surrender everything inside myself. As I went to the altar to ask my Lord, Jesus Christ, to come and live in my heart, I could never have been prepared for what He had planned for my life. The woman who was praying over me repeated that God was my Father, my Dad, and He wanted me to know that He loved me and that I was worthy of His great love. Me? After all I had done I was worthy of the love of God?!

For the first time in my life I truly felt worthy of something. God loves me and I am worthy of His love. I will never ever let go of that! My life has changed completely. I'm working, going to college, and I have a home. I am building strong, healthy relationships with people who love Jesus, and it feels amazing. I have no symptoms of my bi-polar disorder. Those angry, violent obsessions are gone. I simply asked for Jesus to heal me and He has. I am in recovery for my addictions and I have no desire to drink or use. I am so grateful for who I am.

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I have so many opportunities to share my faith and love in Jesus Christ because of my addictions and hardships. It was so worth taking that painful journey to come to see the real glory of God. I have this great yearning for Christ and I get more of Him every time I pray, speak his name, read His Word or listen to the way He's enlightening someone else's life.

I took the Alpha course and it brought me such a wonderful sense of belonging in my church. It also gave confirmation that Jesus is who I want to live for, every day. I had been living a life overwhelmed by sin. It was taking over every part of me. When we looked at the chapter Why did Jesus die? and I learned that Jesus died for those very sins, I was gripped with a sense of freedom and gratitude. Jesus came and died for me and through His death I am Free!

At a time when God had completely changed my life, Alpha was a safe place where I could learn about God, pray, meet friends and accept the person I was becoming, with Jesus in my heart. I have so much love in my life since Jesus has been in my heart; it is incredible.

I was baptized recently at Desert Stream. I stood at the front of my church, in the baptismal tank, my eyes filled with tears and I shared with everyone how much I love Jesus, how I wanted to follow Him in everything, and how I felt that He was smiling over my baptism, rejoicing in a daughter who wanted His love. I am living a miracle.

December 13/2007