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By Diane Marshall
 Diane Marshall has many years of experience helping parents as a family therapist and offers some practical encouragements for 2008.
At the beginning of a new year many families find themselves thinking about resolutions. Yet what does it really mean to help a young person set goals, and to achieve them? Several factors are important to remember:
• Children think concretely, and so need concrete and not vague goals. eg: "I will help my sister with her homework," not "I will be nicer to my sister"
• Parents need to make goal-setting something that is fun, and do-able. If a goal is unrealistic, and beyond the capacity of the child or teen to reach, then it becomes meaningless and a source of frustration.
• If a teen, for instance wants to set the goal of regularly completing his/her homework assignments on time, then help them establish a schedule that can make that possible. eg: An hour, or an hour and a half of study after dinner before any T.V., Facebook, or telephone.
• Have a weekly or bi-weekly check-in with your teen or child to see how he or she is making out with the goals they have set for themselves. eg: If your 9 year old wants to read more chapter books, then help them set the goal of one chapter a night before lights out time; and review in a week to see if that is realistic.
• Help children learn the art of cooperation by establishing some family chores which teach active cooperation. eg: two siblings share the task of cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, and take turns washing up or stacking the dishwasher while someone else does the pots and pans and wipes the counter.
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• Family meetings are great times to share goal setting for the family as a whole. eg: A family who wants to cut down the conflict between siblings can discuss ways to do this and set some goals together, which can be reviewed in a week's time at the next family meeting.
• Children who want to break negative habits such as nail-biting, or teens who want to stop smoking, need specific positive reinforcers to encourage them. Perhaps discussing with them special treats that they can achieve by stopping these habits will work well, but another factor may be to explore with your child or teen ways that they can better manage anxious feelings. The key here is to listen to them, and help them find more creative ways to i) acknowledge their feelings and then ii) do something else which breaks a compulsive habit. eg: Talk to someone they trust when they are worried, consciously divert their attention to something positive -- play a game, read a book, draw or paint, call a friend.
Being a parent requires that we take the time to understand our children. It requires wisdom to help direct young children and teens into "the paths they should walk" which are pleasing to God. Setting goals for positive, and life-affirming behaviours is part of the calling to "choose life" which God commands of us. We are challenged as parents and grandparents to help the younger ones in our family circle to learn to establish good goals for their lives, and the beginning of a new year is a good time to start!
Diane Marshall, M.Ed., RMFT is with the Institute of Family Living (IFL), Toronto, and is a regular contributor to canadianchristianity.com.
IFL is a multi-disciplinary, cross-cultural team of professional therapists and physicians. Guided by Christian and Jewish faith traditions, they offer psychotherapy, assessment, and consultation to individuals, couples, families, and human service agencies. www.ifl.on.ca
January 10/2008
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