Domestic abuse is still one of the church's darkest secrets

Articles in the CHRISTIAN LIVING section of canadianchristianity.com often seek to address matters in many people's every day lives that will likely not be specifically addressed by the ministry of the local church. Living with Issues such as mental illness, self-esteem & eating disorders, chronic financial stress and abuse (mental, emotional, sexual)... We commence a short series on the issue of domestic abuse.

Karen McAndless-Davis is an ordained minister in the Presbyterian Church in Canada. She has worked for the past 10 years providing support groups for Christian women who have experienced abuse in their relationship. She is also the co-author of the book "When Love Hurts: A Woman's Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationship."

By Karen McAndless-Davis

Although we would feel more comfortable denying it, abuse sadly does happen in Christian homes. 'Deidre's' testimony is courageous, and truthful. She is sharing her story so that other women who are experiencing abuse might realize that they are not alone and reach out for support. She also wants to help the church become better informed and therefore equipped to respond to domestic violence. It does not make for easy reading. (Her name has been changed to protect her privacy).

Deidre

"I was studying at university when I met my husband. He was one of the worship leaders at the church I attended and was studying to become a pastor. I was very attracted to his charismatic personality and intelligence. During our dating he was sometimes verbally abusive and when we became engaged, he started to be physically abusive as well. I was very uncertain about our relationship but because he was so prominent in the church, I felt unable to talk to anyone about my concerns.

"The day before our wedding, he attacked me and threw me across the room. I went to talk to the associate pastor who was to marry us. I asked him whether I should go through with the wedding or not. He assured me that we could work all our problems out and could go for counseling after the wedding. Looking back on it now, it was crazy. I was covered in bruises on my wedding day.

"After we got married the abuse got worse. He began to work full time in the church as a pastor and took all the pressures of that job out on me. He was so controlling of me in every way. I was not permitted to drive the car, have friends, talk on the phone or make any decisions for myself. The abuse eventually became too much to bear, and I left and went to stay with a friend.

"I immediately experienced pressure from the church to go back home. People from the congregation called me and told me what 'a great guy' he was and that I should 'give him another chance.' My Christian counsellor also pressured me to return to the marriage; and the associate pastor told me that he thought my husband was trying hard, and said I needed to go home to him and give him hope.

"I eventually went to the senior pastors looking for some support for my decision to stay out of the marriage. I told them the entire story of my abuse ? and they urged me to stay in the relationship and try to 'work things out.' They suggested that I didn't have enough faith ? saying to me that 'God can do anything. If he can heal the sick, he can heal your marriage.'

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"This was all very confusing for me, as I had always thought of the leaders of the church as God's representatives. Was this what God was saying to me? Did I have to go back and suffer more abuse? If I didn't, would I be punished for going against God's will? This was a terribly isolating time for me. I was so confused, and attempted suicide. I thought death was the only way out.

"I eventually found a qualified Christian counsellor and she really supported me in my decisions. She helped me to see all the ways I had been abused and how it had affected me. She also told me about a support group which has been a wonderful blessing to me.

"I am now living free of my ex-husband's abuse. I am doing well and planning to go back to university. I still find it very hard to attend church. My personal relationship with God is better than it has ever been but I am leery of the church and its leaders. My husband continues as a senior pastor within our denomination.

Conclusion

With the complexities of the issues, strongholds of shame and denial, as well as basic ignorance, there is so much more the church can do to help women suffering in abusive marriages. The starting place is education.

First of all, we need to learn more about this issues which is one of the reasons canadianchristianity.ca will be running a series of articles on this issue over the next several weeks.

Stats Canada tells us that one in four Canadian women are physically assaulted by their partner. This certainly means that there are women in our pews that have been, indeed may be undergoing physical abuse. (There are no statistics that track other forms of abuse.)

Once we are better informed, we can begin to grapple with how best to offer safety and security for abused women and their children. With greater awareness, we can provide grace for repentant abusive men offering help and accountability that might lead to changes in their behavour. Our goal must be to nurture healthy families where there is peace and safety for all.

Support Groups

To find a support group for women phone a local transition house. For info: www.theraveproject.com. It is a Christian website full of helpful information as well as a directory of transition houses. The directory can be reached by clicking the red "help now" button.

Her own journey and experience, candidly and humbly shared by Bruce and herself has uniquely qualified her in addressing this difficult subject in a series of articles contributed to canadianchristianity.com.
www.canadianchristianity.com/cgi-bin/bc.cgi?bc/bccn/1003/5broken
www.canadianchristianity.com/christianliving/070809vows

To obtain "When Love Hurts: A Woman's Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationship." : website www.womankind.ca or 1-877-443-7597

February 6/2008