Life's a journey - Part 1

By Tracee M.

As I start to write this it feels that telling my secrets to strangers is very scary. But I realize that it speaking out brings a freedom to my life.

As I look back on my life, I can see how dysfunctional my family was. My father was an abusive man, both verbally and physically. At the age of 3, I remember the police coming to take my father away. When my mom got abused, so did my older brother and then he would take his anger out on me. His anger was so out of control that I feared coming home every day, wondering what horrible beating I was in for. I truly hated what my life was.

I would stay at my friends' homes and never want to leave. Their families had the love that I wanted so badly in my young life. But instead of love, I was given fear, hate, and abuse.

My longing for love and acceptance led me through numerous unhealthy relationships resulting in two children, an abortion, a suicide attempt and a job as an exotic dancer. I became very tired of being emotionally abused, broke, tired and sad.

Belief in money

I came to the conclusion that money would solve all my problems. Working as a waitress in a large night club in Calgary, I met a drug dealer with a lot of money. Being with him, I finally felt that I was living the life I wanted to live: trips to Hawaii, going to hockey games in limos, eating out all the time.

I was 29 and the nightmare began. My boyfriend was almost murdered. We had 2 drive-by shootings at our home and were under constant police surveillance. I left my children behind with their father and we moved to B.C. to leave that life behind us. But it soon caught up with us. My boyfriend ended up getting picked up on a Canada wide warrant for numerous charges and was immediately incarcerated in Calgary.

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Jailed boyfriend... softens

My life then took another turn for the worse. I began to take pot, cocaine, ecstasy, mushrooms and crystal meth. I had alcohol poisoning numerous times. My life was out of control and I didn't really care whether I lived or died. During this dark time in my life, I would regularly go to visit my boyfriend who was in jail on serious charges.

It wasn't long before I began to see a change in him; he was softening. In his letters, a peace had developed and the incredible anger had subsided -- but how?

He had come to God. He would tell me what incredible things God was doing for him in prison. I would love to visit him because I could feel his peace. I wanted what he had but I didn't really understand what it was or how to get it. One day, a Christian friend talked to me about the love God gives. He gave me his Bible and I began to read it starting with Genesis. I felt so good. I was beginning to heal physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I was in my own rehabilitation program and I started to think clearly.

Urge to climb - the birds stopped singing After a visit with my boyfriend in jail I had an incredible urge to climb as high as possible to get as close to God as I could. I came upon "Larson's Hill" and it was there that I gave my heart and my life to God. Through many tears, I asked him to forgive me for the horrible things that I had done. . .

PART 2 to come...

Tracee attends a local church in Chilliwack, B.C. - her Pastor spoke to cc.com enthusiastically of her life and faith to this day.

March 5/2008