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By Keith Martin MSW, RSW Clinical Social Worker
Read Part 1 | Part 2
In this article I want to begin talking about my journey, from being controlled by anger to learning how to deal with this common, yet misunderstood emotion, effectively.
At 18 God had challenged me about my angry attitudes and the changes had begun. While we all love happily ever after stories, my journey was not so easy and quick.
In fact the willingness to engage in the journey of overcoming anger is part of the cost you may need to prepared to embrace. I have had conversations with other people, and even myself at times, questioning whether the length of time required for change represented a lack of faith. While my faith was not perfect at times, I do not believe this was the essential issue in the length of time required for me to change.
Change not always quick
Change takes place in our lives in a variety of ways. God can and does heal quickly and in some cases instantly, and these are the stories we really love. It comforts us to know that remarkable, transforming change can take place so quickly. Unfortunately, if we're not careful we do a tremendous disservice to those Christians whose change is not a quick one-time event, because we trivialize their path to growth. The scriptures are filled with numerous examples where change took time and evolved as part of a journey. God's call is for us to walk in faithfulness, and to persevere even if change takes some time.
A year after the encounter with my friend at 18 I went to a bible school in Edmonton for one year. I flourished and had opportunities that caused me to think that I was doing well. God was very gracious and used this time to promote real healing and blessing for me. I experienced a tremendous amount of growth spiritually and personally; changes which were significant and real. Yet, a part of me failed to fully come to terms with anger in my life. There was an essential weakness in me that God needed to deal with; I still had a damaged and wounded image of myself. This created a dangerous vulnerability that would surface in anger later.
During my year in Edmonton I was not experiencing outward anger and the depression which had gripped me had diminished. At 18 I truly regretted how angry I was, and I went out West, in part, as a way to escape from a past that hurt me. I had had undergone some change, but my changed circumstances had certainly brought me relief.
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Denial
The mistake I made was to pretend that I was not angry. In fact I became quite skilled in achieving this deception, and enough positive things were happening to me that I could pretend that anger was no longer an issue.
As Christians we can play a dangerous game of denial which I like to call Christian amnesia. This allows us to avoid reality we don't like. In my case this meant that the anger I had shown more outwardly now stayed hidden inside and surfaced in less obvious ways.
Once I completed Bible school I returned to Ontario, although I had seriously considered remaining out West. Things slowly deteriorated because life in Ontario caused some old issues to surface. After several years I was disillusioned and unhappy, in fact I was very angry again. I once again felt very bitter towards God and other people.
My impulse was to be like Jonah and run away, fortunately I never had to sit inside a whale! To make a long story short I made plans to go out west; a good friend offered me a job and I borrowed the money for a ticket. A move that I can only describe as God's intervention in my life changed my plans. I literally went from going out west to being offered a full time job and committing to stay in Ontario within 48 hours.
Staying in Ontario was important because God used this to begin the process of refining my character. In particular he worked on my anger and began to strip away the false walls that I had erected. I began to discover that my idea that I was not an angry person was very wrong.
Anger - sarcasm - cynicism
In fact the anger that had been outwardly obvious in earlier years had taken hold inside me. The wounds from earlier in life were again surfacing. Now I harboured many malicious internal thoughts and fantasies. My anger would surface in sarcasm and jokes that were cruel and harmful. The anger was also showing itself in an increasingly cynical attitude. My journey of healing was not yet complete. In the next article I'll finish talking about my journey and begin to discuss the different ways in which anger surfaces.
(This material was first presented at a workshop on anger in October 2001)
Keith Martin MSW, RSW Clinical Social Worker is a therapist with Cornerstone Christian Counselling Centre, a non-profit professional prayer healing ministry, is headquartered in Kitchener, Ontario. www.cornerstonechristian.ca
June 5/2008
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