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By Keith Martin, MSW, RSW Clinical Social Worker
Read Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6
In my last article I introduced two types or styles of anger, volcanoes and acorn collectors. Today I will be discussing 'Tigers' and 'Slow to Burn but Slow to Let Go' anger profiles. I want to repeat several cautions I mentioned last month. No one anger profile or style is perfect. Each style contains harmful, and possibly devastating, ways for dealing with anger.
Another caution is to imagine that we always use one style of dealing with anger. In fact we can switch from one style to another, sometimes very suddenly, depending upon the situation. We may also act one way in one place and entirely differently in another place.
Tigers are the third style of anger expression; they are the people who typically love anger. Tigers are adept at expressing anger in a number of ways, but the key issue with tigers is the fact that they never really lose control of their anger. Tigers may seem to have out of control anger, but if so it is done deliberately with a specific intention. Tigers consider anger to be their friend and motivator, and they have learned to use anger to intimidate others and get their way.
When people are around a tiger they feel frightened or intimidated. Tigers tend to act or react with implied threats. "Go ahead make my day" or "Go ahead and push me and see what will happen". Tigers do not consider their anger to be a problem. Instead tigers see anger as a tool that gets them what they want. Often for tigers anger is a way of generating respect.
If you are a tiger then it is important to lose your love affair with anger. Tigers need to begin to understanding that might is not right. They need to be willing to drop their entitlement to be angry and admit that they use anger to get their way. Tigers need to develop compassion and caring for the outcomes of their anger.
The last anger style is often not associated with anger. Slow to burn and slow to let go people rarely seem angry. They disguise their anger well so that their anger is not usually shown in obvious ways. Having said that slow to burn and slow to let go people can occasionally use very extreme methods to express their anger. For instance, in the news recently there have been examples of individuals who suddenly "snapped" and killed a number of people. There is a consistent expression by those who might have known them that this expression of anger was remarkable and unexpected.
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Most often though, slow to burn and slow to let go people keep their anger under wraps. Very often these individuals can keep feuds going for a long time. Typically they are very negative and seemingly never forget a wrong committed against them. A slow to burn and slow to let go person has an amazing capacity to remember details that others have long forgotten, but for them these issues are alive and well.
Unfortunately slow to burn and slow to let go people can get away with their anger since it is less obvious. Passive-aggressive people fit under this category. They are expert at disguising their anger, and are the snipers of the anger world. They can also be expert in using sarcasm. Often slow to burn and slow to let go people wreak havoc wherever they go. They tend to blame others rather than assuming responsibility for their anger.
The key for slow to burn and slow to let go people is to learn to take ownership for their anger. They often need to admit that they are angry and acknowledge that the way they act is inappropriate. Slow to burn and slow to let go people also need to let go of grudges; they need to clean out the accumulated grievances that they have nourished.
Much more could be said about each anger profile. The next step is up to you.
Perhaps you have begun to acknowledge for the first time that anger is an important issue for you. God may be bringing up important issues that you have previously hidden, or that have been hidden from you. If people around you have raised concerns about your anger then begin to deal with issues. I would urge you to consider that there might be issues rather than simply denying that there may be a problem.
Next I will use some examples from Joseph's life to illustrate how issues can be dealt with effectively. His life stands as a testimony to the power that God can give us to overcome anger. Joseph could have become angry and bitter because of life's circumstances and events, but he overcame despite reasons to be angry. We will look at overcoming anger DESPITE circumstances.
Keith Martin, MSW, RSW Clinical Social Worker is a therapist and leads anger management workshops at Cornerstone www.cornerstonechristian.ca.
July 10/2008
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