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By Tamara Kostamo
 Fear in my life has been like a Goliath, my giant to defeat. At times it has paralyzed me, and isolated me from others. It quenched my dreams and robbed me of my God-given destiny. It all began in my pre teens, with a very normal case of insecurity and self-consciousness. When I turned 12, my family moved to a new city. I became the quiet, shy one, desperately afraid of what others thought of me. I remember it feeling like I had entered a dark tunnel. As time went on, I grew afraid of any kind of public attention such as public speaking or even just being pointed out in a crowd. The "popular" kids at school were avoided as far too intimidating. I became extraordinarily cautious and wouldn't try or do anything that might risk me looking foolish. I lived by blending in with the crowd and never drawing any attention to myself.
Growing in Isolation and Anger
My fears began to subtly choke out any joy and freedom I'd felt as a child, and I grew increasingly selfish and angry. I had enormous fights with my parents and felt that no one understood me. All the while, God became less and less relevant and my faith subsided.
In grade 9 I began to be home schooled. I thought this would be my saving grace, but it only served to keep me more isolated from people. Over time, by not addressing my anxieties and by living in isolation, I experienced fear spreading like a cancer in my life. I was no longer just afraid of people and petrified of any kind of spotlight attention, I also began to have very real fears of dying, illness, the dark, and the list grew. I once thought I was dying of cancer for over a year because what turned out to be a minor rash. I can still feel the emotions of that year. I still have to confront the fear of terminal illness, with routine doctor's appointments causing my heart to race.
With all this pent-up, untreated fear and anxiety, I not only became angrier, I also grew more depressed. I found solace in food and watching TV.
Renewed Hope
During Christmas of 1996, we spent Christmas with our extended family in Ontario. While there, I renewed my faith. It all happened during a God ordained visit with some family friends. They prayed for our whole family, and it's as if a dam holding back tears broke and I began to cry and cry. That day I re-invited Jesus Christ to become a greater part of my life.
Life got much better. I had renewed hope and joy. I also had a new sense of purpose and destiny. As I got more involved at church, I made great strides in my social and life skills. I began to stretch myself by singing and playing piano with the worship team. I also developed great friendships and began to date my husband, Mika. Life was pretty good, but fear still controlled a large part of my life. In fact, it was around that time that a ridiculous fear of the dark and ongoing nightmares began to take root. I felt incredibly afraid being alone at home at night. Just to be able to sleep, a light and the radio had to be on.
Married
After three years I got engaged and then married to Mika. Life continued on quite happily, but about two years into our marriage, things began to fall apart. Mika became youth pastor at another church. At first I was very excited because our life's dream was to be in ministry together, but with the changes and responsibility of ministry, I began to crumble. I have a passion and feel a calling to to music ministry. Every time I had to sing, my stomach was in knots, I couldn't eat, and as the moment approached, my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. I felt physically ill and completely overwhelmed to the point of tears.
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A Silent Struggle
As a pastor's wife, I also found greeting and meeting new people and being in the spotlight overwhelming. My insecurity about what others thought of me, assaulted me from every angle. I felt like the scared girl I had been as a teenager. While others enjoyed life around me laughing and talking, I was in deep distress, afraid of humiliating myself or appearing foolish.
Even though I had taken great strides to gain confidence at our previous church, I felt like I was thrown right back to where I started. That's when I decided I couldn't battle this on my own any longer. I needed help. I removed myself from leadership with the student ministries, and I began attending a program at our church called "Freedom Session." Over an intense year I dealt with past negative experiences and memories and gained some healing. Although I hoped for a "cure" I realized that even though I had taken some important steps, every time I started to feel depressed or afraid I continued to seek out some sort of escape. One evening at home alone I remember courageously allowing myself to feel the feelings I was trying to escape. There was a torrent of dark emotions: hopelessness, joylessness, loneliness, fear of the unknown, loss of control, dread. Yet as I allowed myself to face the reality of the dark tunnel of fear I was in, I met God. Jesus was with me, and I was not alone. I realized afterward that I was learning to walk with God through the dark tunnel, and not try to escape it. The only way out was through.
This experience birthed a beautiful and very intimate relationship with my heavenly Father. I met with him regularly, especially when I was fighting fear and depression. I learned so much about the loving nature of God, and my desperate need of Him.
Taking Fear Public
After this year of healing I began to sense God leading me to get involved with the student ministries at our church again. My pastor, who was aware of my struggles, asked me to share my battle with fear with the church during our three morning services. I felt panic just thinking about the possibility, but as I thought about it some more, I knew it would be an important step. At times we expose our secret struggles or giants, it causes them to lose their power. As the day arrived, I sensed a surprising peace. Lots of people came up and surrounded me on the stage with prayers. Some came crying, others hugged me, others approached me afterwards and thanked me for having the courage to bring a spotlight to this issue, and making them feel that they were not alone! I felt loved and accepted; not humiliated. I felt cared for; not isolated.
Though I'm still battling fear, it has been significantly weakened by my open sharing. I know that soon I will be walking in full freedom. Since my sharing, I now lead worship for the senior high student ministries, women's ministries and I am stepping out in other new ways. It's still a journey, and honestly still a battle at times; however, I now no longer feel alone. I'm walking with my Jesus, and I'm walking with my family and friends who fully support me and pray for me. I'm so thankful to God for bringing me this far, and I'm excited to see all the encounters and adventures I will have as I continue the journey.
As a last note, I should mention that people may struggle with fear and anxieties in varying degrees. It is wise to seek help and counsel from your church, counselors or physicians to investigate possible causes. God desires you to have healing and freedom . Don't walk it alone!
When I ventured unknowingly into this tunnel at the age of 12, I had no idea it would take me this long to begin to see the light again; however, the lessons learned, and the closeness I've encountered with my Heavenly Father have made the trip worthwhile.
About Tamara:
Tamara works alongside her husband, Mika, who is Youth Pastor at Cedar Grove Church in Surrey, BC in Canada.
July 10/2008
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