Dealing with difficult people

By Colleen Hammermaster

Some people seem impossible to deal with and we generally refer to them as difficult. We find them in our families, at our work places, and in society in general. They are the ones who always have to be right, no matter how little they actually know about a particular subject. Some are regularly condescending, criticizing your every effort. Others tell you there's nothing wrong, yet insist on pouting and refusing to talk to you. There's no doubt that difficult people earn their title honestly! They cause a great deal of stress and upset in our lives, and trying to deal with them seems like a no-win situation*

Jesus was an expert in dealing with difficult people. In fact, God sent him to earth to deal with an entire civilization of difficult people! In Hebrews 4:14-15 we read that Jesus is not a Saviour who is unfamiliar with the struggles we face dealing with difficult people. He can "sympathize with our weaknesses" because He has been through everything we have. Sometimes we think of Jesus as someone who is remote and doesn't understand what our life on earth is like. Yet, He does understand, and we need to approach the so-called difficult people in our lives with a similar understanding. When we understand why people are the way they are, we can deal with them and can feel caring toward them rather than frustration and anger.

Through my counseling practice I've had the opportunity to glimpse inside the lives (and hearts) of people considered 'difficult.' To understand what makes someone a difficult person, you need to realize that a huge factor in their lives is insecurity.

This may sound surprising, because difficult people seem so strong and confident. However, when you are really strong and confident, you don't have to be right all the time or put other people down. Feeling secure in who you are as a child of God, you don't have to be aggressive and argumentative. When you are really confident, you are more rather than less tolerant of others. However, if you are not happy within yourself, you cannot be happy with other people around you. In fact, if you feel worthless about yourself you find it hard to recognize the worth in other people.

The next time you deal with someone who is very aggressive, controlling, or critical, someone who needs to be right, remember they likely behave that way because deep down they feel like a loser. Consequently, they lash out in anger and jealousy over any little issue, and with anyone within arms' reach. It's important to realize that the real problem isn't the issue about which they are arguing; the source of the conflict is not the issue on the surface* Rather, it's a deeper, hidden issue causing the conflict

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The real problem with a difficult person is a sense of emptiness or inferiority which they attempt to conceal with a tough, confident exterior. Undeniably, they will be the last to admit to their feelings of inadequacy* In-stead, they hide behind a tough guy image or a 'know it all' mentality. Knowing this and understanding this helps us to sympathize with their weaknesses, in the same way Jesus sympathizes with ours.

But often, we don't want to sympathize with someone who is making our life difficult. Our natural tendency is to hurt the one hurting us. We want to make other people listen, and we want to have the last word. We want to make them see our point of view and treat us nicely. In essence, we want to change them. This is part of our sinful nature. Nevertheless, dealing with difficult people means letting go of our sinful nature. Our goal should not be to win an argument or make difficult people see what we believe to be true. Nor should it be to change them into people with whom it is easier to deal. Achieving any particular outcome in a conflict situation is focusing on the wrong end of the equation. The process of working things through is more important than the result. We need leave to the Holy Spirit the job of changing people and helping them see the truth. Is it not the work of the Holy Spirit to miraculously make things happen? Our job, and our reason for being on this earth, is learning to listen to and care for each other. Our role is showing others what Christ is all about, and our greatest witness for Christ and His glory is how we deal with difficult people. Perhaps this should be our goal. It is surely our greatest challenge!

This article is contributed by Colleen Hammermaster, a Christian counseling psychologist. She has worked at Concordia University College of Alberta in Edmonton for 11 years, counseling students and staff, and teaching University courses in Educational Psychology. She has also worked in the hospital setting as well as in the Psychiatric Hospital setting. For the past 8 years she has been providing counseling services in her own private practice. She has counseled hundreds of individuals struggling with a wide variety of emotional issues and problems, and has led many workshops and presentations for both private and public agencies. Dr. Hammermaster has a doctoral degree in Educational Psychology from the University of Alberta, and has written many articles of relevance to Christians on topics such as: how to stop worrying, avoiding the time crunch, preventing burnout, self-esteem in relationships, and coping with depression.

September 18/2008