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By Marja Bergen
Other pieces by Marja Bergen
 I am not often suicidal. My nature is to be positive, to try to see the best in everything. Yet, that doesn't protect me from depression or even the occasional wish to die. Some time ago, I again found myself in the depths, even making plans for my way out of life. I did not think of heaven or of hell. All I could think of was how I wanted to stop the suffering, suffering that seemed always destined to return. I could not remember how it felt to be happy, nor could I imagine ever feeling happy again.
But I asked myself, What if Jesus had succumbed so quickly to the pain he faced? What if he had decided not to go to the cross? Where would we be?
Because of who he was, he could not have refused the cross. In Philippians 2:8, Paul wrote that though Jesus was human, he humbled himself and became obedient to death even death on a cross!
He did not want to suffer the pain. My Father, he prayed, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet more than that, he wanted to obey. Yet not as I will, but as you will. (Matthew 26:39b) He knew his sacrifice would mean we would live. It was humanly possible for him to refuse the cross, but he didn't. His love for us was far too great.
I needed to look to Jesus as an example of how I should live. Even if I have periods of great trouble, I can hope these will one day be for the good. I can't be Jesus, but I can try to obey. If I can hold on to my desire to be like him, this will be possible. I need to stay close to God.
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My musings continued: How can I throw away the life God gave me? God must have meant me to use it for something. It would be such a sin to walk away from that!
I found consolation in Paul's second letter to the Corinthian Christians. He wrote, He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others... As you share in suffering, you will also share God's comfort. (2 Corinthians 1:4, 7 NLT)
 Maybe there's a reason for what I'm going through, I mused. Considering that my pain might have some value, that it might even be useful for something, encouraged me. If I can continue thinking of this as God's assignment for me in life; if I can see this suffering as something I need to fulfill my calling; if I can keep my faith and rest by trusting in God, if I can do all these things, then I can survive and even grow! I can share with others what I've gone through and discovered. I want to help others learn how to cope with their troubles.
I did grow. God did comfort me. I do share.
Marja Bergen is a photographer and writer living in Burnaby, B.C. She is the author of Riding the Roller Coaster: Living with Mood Disorders (Northstone, 1999). and A Firm Place to Stand: Forty Years with Bipolar Disorder (2008). She is the founder and facilitator of Living Room, a faith-based mood disorder support group at Brentwood Park Alliance Church in Burnaby. Check out her blog.
October 30/2008
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