By Alfred C.W. Davis

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When couples come for counseling, the most common problematic issue is the subject of "emotional intimacy" or to be more accurate - the lack of emotional intimacy in the relationship.

Unable to put feelings into words

Dr. Peter Sifneos, a Harvard psychiatrist, coined a term in 1972 called "alexithymia". It is a condition where a person is unable to put feelings into words because he/she is unable to know his/her own feelings.

Dr. Ron Levant, a Harvard professor, took this further when he described "normative male alexithymia". He says that men with this condition tend to have a limited range of emotional experience. They have learned two main ways to respond to their feelings: 1) they use anger when they are vulnerable, [which seems to be a socially acceptable male quality], and 2) they use touching and sex to communicate caring and nurturing. The dilemma is that many women do not perceive sexual intimacy as emotional intimacy in the same way that men do and anger drives them away. For the man who limits his emotional expression to anger and sex, he ends up with a partner who feels empty and searching for more. As Daniel Goleman says,

"When the emotional brain is driving the body with a strong angry reaction, there can be little or no empathy. Empathy requires enough calm and receptivity so that the subtle signals of feeling from another person can be received and mimicked by one's own emotional brain".

So what is Emotional Intimacy?

Emotion is defined as sensitivity to feelings which include an excitement or agitation of pleasure, pain, attraction or repulsion. Intimacy is defined as a delicate communication; a close, warm relationship which is private, personal and belongs to one's deepest nature. Therefore, Emotional Intimacy is a warm and personal communication that is sensitive to deep feelings and cares for another's state of emotional well being. The following list itemizes some of the ways that barriers are created to effectively block emotional intimacy:

1) self-centeredness - you cannot focus on yourself and the other person at the same time
2) pride - I am right and you are wrong
3) intellectualizing - rational thought only
4) mind-reading - I do not need to talk to you because I know what you are thinking
5) anger and insensitivity - cannot be angry and empathetic
6) cutting off - must listen to communicate
7) judgment, putdowns and sarcasm - need to be open and sensitive
8) blaming - need to replace why with how and share responsibility
9) control - en equal relationship is needed that respects the other
10) lack of time - need to make time for each other - patience
11) fear - deep feelings need a safe environment to come out
12) "you" language - feelings need to be communicated as "I" statements
13) infidelity and lying - need to be able to trust

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As Christians, we are called to a high level of personal relationships. Respect and love disarm hostility and apologizing for a wrong and forgiving pave the way for intimacy. Dying to self and seeing things from another person's perspective facilitate compliments and smooth the way to validation and genuine appreciation. Empathy leads to caring, compassion and altruism.

Daniel Goleman describes the five domains of emotional intelligence, which help facilitate emotional intimacy:

1) knowing one's own emotions
2) managing one's own emotions and shaking off bad moods
3) self-control and self-motivation
4) empathy - recognizing the emotions in others
5) managing interpersonal relationships - through observing, being attuned, communicating and engaging

Lastly, the communication skill that will help improve emotional intimacy is outlined below:

1) Choose to take the time
2) Attend to the person - be in the person's presence
- offer eye contact
- be open and interested
3) Actively listen and encourage communication
- smile
- nod head positively
- gesture with hands to encourage
- repeat one word encouragers
- repeat key phrases in person's words
- summarize what you have heard
- do not be additive
4) Communicate understanding - "I hear you saying..."
5) Validate the person's feelings - accept the person's feelings
- feel the feelings
6) Connect with the person's feelings - care about the feelings
- share understanding of the feelings
- be with the person in the feelings

Alfred C.W. Davis heads Agape Healing International Inc. in Oakville, ON. He has his Master of Divinity degree majoring in Counselling, and is a Clinical Member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy. While practicing Christian counselling, he learned the processes that have led to the writing of the training manual, "A Theory and Process of Christian Counselling and Inner Healing." http://www.agapehealing.org

January 15/2009